Brits Abroad

Brits Abroad

The British attitude to Europe and its inhabitants was sealed forever when Continental Drift or some other similar occurrence invented the English Channel. Whilst we have actually reached the stage where more Britons have 'gone abroad' than have seen The Sound of Music, certain characteristics still remain that clearly mark the Brit Abroad.

Having said that, it is usually very difficult to spot the Brit on the Ferry going over, as posteriors over the deck rail all look pretty much the same. This assumes of course that you yourself are in a condition to make such an observation and not also wishing you were dead.

Once on the other side, the requirements of Passport Control provide the first clue. By reason of the ease with which one can 'pop over the border' in mainland Europe, the average Continental's passport will get used significantly more often than ours. Thus, whilst averting ones eyes from any GB plates there may be, one can tell immediately from the relatively pristine appearance which are UK passports.

Beyond this point it would be unfair for the serious Brit Spotter to note down targets from the nationality plates and driving positions. Thus we wait until the car is left behind and the quarry is mingling with the crowds on foot before taking out our Spotter's notepad and pencil again.

What first gets our attention is the external appearance of our subjects. Freshly ironed summer clothing, whatever the weather, often seen under plastic raincoats. This is a symptom of a common affliction known as the 'I've paid for this holiday so I'm damn well going to enjoy it' syndrome. A complication of this condition is the 'Sunglasses with everything' phenomenon. This is much rarer and found on overcast days, in dark shops, and at supermarket check-outs. Bonus points are scored if this characteristic is successfully spotted.

Another sure fire sign of the Brit is National Health Spectacles commonly found accompanied by baggy trousers in the male and crimplene dresses in the female. No bonus points for this obvious one.

A more subtle outward Brit characteristic is the 'gone to the extremes' short shorts. If you see a male wearing a slightly enlarged bandage with hamster like pockets, bulging with handkerchiefs, money and car keys, then this is probably a Brit. The average Continental wears styled shorts that do at least acknowledge more than two inches of thigh and the requirements of the male anatomy. It is thought amongst the older Brit Spotters that this modern tendency for males to wear miniscule apparel around the hips is a reaction against the earlier Brit desire to wear waisted bell tents. The theory that it may also be a fertility display has been discounted as having no apparent foundation is most cases!

The presence of children adds a second set of strings to our spotters bow as the accoutrements, such as feeder cups, purchased at well known British children's shops, have a distinctive appearance. Toddlers and babies provide not only an accurate pointer to nationality, but also for the ardent well read Brit Spotter a direct indication as to what season and year the clothes emanated from. Certain shops in the UK change lines of clothing at very definite times of the year and a collection of suitable makers catalogues comprise valuable reference material. Foot ware, if worn, especially that of a certain brand that comes in a range of width fittings, merely confirms the initial observation. Other signs, such as the type of collapsible push chair used, can give initial pointers from a distance, but the increasing number of exported models available makes this less reliable as a Brit indicator. Also, as these vehicles, even foreign ones, are not bound to display nationality plates, it is recommended that the serious Spotter uses them only in cases where distance makes closer observation impossible.

So far we have considered the outward material aspects of the Brit abroad. However, for the more discerning Spotter, the behavioural patterns produce more of a challenge. One of the most common, albeit erroneous, assumptions made by the Brit is that all foreigners speak English. For those few who do not, all youo have to do is speak slowly and, more importantly, loudly to be understood. Therefore watch out for this, especially in restaurants or cafes, where the added problems of a foreign menu merely serve to increase the entertainment value. Loud, stacatto speech heard from afar should be investigated at all times. Whilst on this issue of the Brit and foreign languages, the following points are typical Brit characteristics but do not score for obvious reasons.

The first is the refusal to acknowledge that not everyone in the world pronounce words the English way. French suffers a great deal from such assaults, with typical examples being 'poison' (poisson), 'payne' (pain), 'bolloine' (Boulogne), and 'odour clone' (eau de cologne). Secondly the Brit will initially answer with 'yes' to most of the questions put to them in a foreign language on the assumption that said foreigner automatically knows exactly what is required at that moment.

The third, and to the trained Brit Spotter, or indeed linguist, the most excruciating, is the 'I've got a phrase book so I can speak the language' pseudo expert. This produces a complete mish-mash of English and the foreign language, with the latter suffering from the mispronunciation syndrome described previously. Thus a typical phrase might be heard as 'excusez mwar garkon, je want qwatre coffees, some aprez wheats, and le addishun. Mercy', only to find the waiter bringing him two dozen snails in tomato sauce.

For a good day's Brit spotting one cannot beat the French supermarkets, where one will find not only the characteristics described so far, but also the following additional ones.

Having found the relevant baskets or trolleys, the Brit abroad will immediately be confronted with all manner of incomprehensible signs. Thus any individual or group looking totally lost within three metres of the entrance is worth investigation. Having finally ascertained that the best way to approach a foreign shop is up and down each aisle in turn regardless, they will at last sally forth into the unknown. From this point on the Spotter should look for two distinct types of Brit. The first may be seen walking around the shelves, with an empty basket or trolley, taking things down from the shelves and putting them back again. This is the 'no that's not as good as we have at home' species, which firmly believes that anything foreign is either greasy or contaminated. The second variety will be seen queuing up at the check-out with a basket or trolley full of sausages, steak, eggs (safe fodder) and bottles of mineral water (don't drink the water beyond the Isle of Wight). An activity that both participate in is the 'ooh, look, they're still alive' sightseeing tour of the wet fish counter. Young children can be seen being held perilouly close to live crabs, lobsters, and langoustines.

Having braved the horrors of the foreign food shelves the Brit will congregate around the Checkout Tills. Bonus points are immediately awarded for spotting raised voices from a 'foreigner' sitting at a Cash Till under a sign which roughly translated says 'Express Till - Maximum 10 Items' and a Brit with eleven items in his or her trolley. Additionally the Checkout combines all the primary hazards experienced by the Brit abroad, i.e. language, currency and customs. For example, imagine the Till operator, who speaks no English, trying to explain to a Brit, who speaks no 'foreign', that the bag of apples should have been weighed and priced before reaching the Checkout. Total chaos results until a friendly neighbourhood translator steps in to defuse the situation. Other problems can result from our mono-linguistic Till operator trying to explain to our similarly handicapped Brit that whilst the vast mound of coinage held by said Brit may weigh the proverbial ton, it is still only worth about 15p, with the bill coming to more like £15. Once again the friendly neighbourhood translator comes in handy.

One other point to look out for whilst shopping is the 'foreign box' syndrome. If you see a crowd congregating around the TVs in the electrical department, look out for the shoppers who pass without a glance due to total lack of comprehension as to what is going on; these will probably be Brits.

Beyond the shops the next port of call is the beach. Here various signs will point the Spotter to which of the many bodies covered in sun tan oil are Brits. First of all look for checkered shorts and baggy shirts; a sure sign. Bonus points are scored for knotted handkerchiefs. Other indicators are rolled up trouser legs and bags or boxes of 'just in case' items ranging from insect repellent, through sun tan lotion, to plastic macs. On this latter point, i.e. the plastic mac, the beach has a similar 'enjoy to the death' compulsion as the summer clothes syndrome mentioned previously. Should a light shower begin, score points for Brits huddled on the beach in plastic macs and paddling in the sea with raised umbrellas.

Well, that's just about covered all the main spotting characteristics of the Brit abroad, with one exception. Score double bonus points for spotting a Brit standing over the prostrate body of a foreigner in deep shock. This will be a rare occurrence of where the Brit has spoken the relevant language, handled the currency as his own, and expressed an interest in a local radio play heard the night before!

Until then....happy holidays!



	The British attitude to Europe and its inhabitants was sealed forever when Continental Drift or some other similar occurrence invented the English Channel. Whilst we have actually reached the stage where more Britons have 'gone abroad' than have seen The Sound of Music, certain characteristics still remain that clearly mark the Brit Abroad. Having said that, it is usually very difficult to spot the Brit on the Ferry going over, as posteriors over the deck rail all look pretty much the same. This assumes of course that you yourself are in a condition to make such an observation and not also wishing you were dead. Once on the other side, the requirements of Passport Control provide the first clue. By reason of the ease with which one can 'pop over the border' in mainland Europe, the average Continental's passport will get used significantly more often than ours. Thus, whilst averting ones eyes from any GB plates there may be, one can tell immediately from the relatively pristine appearance which are UK passports. Beyond this point it would be unfair for the serious Brit Spotter to note down targets from the nationality plates and driving positions. Thus we wait until the car is left behind and the quarry is mingling with the crowds on foot before taking out our Spotter's notepad and pencil again. What first gets our attention is the external appearance of our subjects. Freshly ironed summer clothing, whatever the weather, often seen under plastic raincoats. This is a symptom of a common affliction known as the 'I've paid for this holiday so I'm damn well going to enjoy it' syndrome. A complication of this condition is the 'Sunglasses with everything' phenomenon. This is much rarer and found on overcast days, in dark shops, and at supermarket check-outs. Bonus points are scored if this characteristic is successfully spotted. Another sure fire sign of the Brit is National Health Spectacles commonly found accompanied by baggy trousers in the male and crimplene dresses in the female. No bonus points for this obvious one. A more subtle outward Brit characteristic is the 'gone to the extremes' short shorts. If you see a male wearing a slightly enlarged bandage with hamster like pockets, bulging with handkerchiefs, money and car keys, then this is probably a Brit. The average Continental wears styled shorts that do at least acknowledge more than two inches of thigh and the requirements of the male anatomy. It is thought amongst the older Brit Spotters that this modern tendency for males to wear miniscule apparel around the hips is a reaction against the earlier Brit desire to wear waisted bell tents. The theory that it may also be a fertility display has been discounted as having no apparent foundation is most cases! The presence of children adds a second set of strings to our spotters bow as the accoutrements, such as feeder cups, purchased at well known British children's shops, have a distinctive appearance. Toddlers and babies provide not only an accurate pointer to nationality, but also for the ardent well read Brit Spotter a direct indication as to what season and year the clothes emanated from. Certain shops in the UK change lines of clothing at very definite times of the year and a collection of suitable makers catalogues comprise valuable reference material. Foot ware, if worn, especially that of a certain brand that comes in a range of width fittings, merely confirms the initial observation. Other signs, such as the type of collapsible push chair used, can give initial pointers from a distance, but the increasing number of exported models available makes this less reliable as a Brit indicator. Also, as these vehicles, even foreign ones, are not bound to display nationality plates, it is recommended that the serious Spotter uses them only in cases where distance makes closer observation impossible. So far we have considered the outward material aspects of the Brit abroad. However, for the more discerning Spotter, the behavioural patterns produce more of a challenge. One of the most common, albeit erroneous, assumptions made by the Brit is that all foreigners speak English. For those few who do not, all youo have to do is speak slowly and, more importantly, loudly to be understood. Therefore watch out for this, especially in restaurants or cafes, where the added problems of a foreign menu merely serve to increase the entertainment value. Loud, stacatto speech heard from afar should be investigated at all times. Whilst on this issue of the Brit and foreign languages, the following points are typical Brit characteristics but do not score for obvious reasons. The first is the refusal to acknowledge that not everyone in the world pronounce words the English way. French suffers a great deal from such assaults, with typical examples being 'poison' (poisson), 'payne' (pain), 'bolloine' (Boulogne), and 'odour clone' (eau de cologne). Secondly the Brit will initially answer with 'yes' to most of the questions put to them in a foreign language on the assumption that said foreigner automatically knows exactly what is required at that moment. The third, and to the trained Brit Spotter, or indeed linguist, the most excruciating, is the 'I've got a phrase book so I can speak the language' pseudo expert. This produces a complete mish-mash of English and the foreign language, with the latter suffering from the mispronunciation syndrome described previously. Thus a typical phrase might be heard as 'excusez mwar garkon, je want qwatre coffees, some aprez wheats, and le addishun. Mercy', only to find the waiter bringing him two dozen snails in tomato sauce. For a good day's Brit spotting one cannot beat the French supermarkets, where one will find not only the characteristics described so far, but also the following additional ones. Having found the relevant baskets or trolleys, the Brit abroad will immediately be confronted with all manner of incomprehensible signs. Thus any individual or group looking totally lost within three metres of the entrance is worth investigation. Having finally ascertained that the best way to approach a foreign shop is up and down each aisle in turn regardless, they will at last sally forth into the unknown. From this point on the Spotter should look for two distinct types of Brit. The first may be seen walking around the shelves, with an empty basket or trolley, taking things down from the shelves and putting them back again. This is the 'no that's not as good as we have at home' species, which firmly believes that anything foreign is either greasy or contaminated. The second variety will be seen queuing up at the check-out with a basket or trolley full of sausages, steak, eggs (safe fodder) and bottles of mineral water (don't drink the water beyond the Isle of Wight). An activity that both participate in is the 'ooh, look, they're still alive' sightseeing tour of the wet fish counter. Young children can be seen being held perilouly close to live crabs, lobsters, and langoustines. Having braved the horrors of the foreign food shelves the Brit will congregate around the Checkout Tills. Bonus points are immediately awarded for spotting raised voices from a 'foreigner' sitting at a Cash Till under a sign which roughly translated says 'Express Till - Maximum 10 Items' and a Brit with eleven items in his or her trolley. Additionally the Checkout combines all the primary hazards experienced by the Brit abroad, i.e. language, currency and customs. For example, imagine the Till operator, who speaks no English, trying to explain to a Brit, who speaks no 'foreign', that the bag of apples should have been weighed and priced before reaching the Checkout. Total chaos results until a friendly neighbourhood translator steps in to defuse the situation. Other problems can result from our mono-linguistic Till operator trying to explain to our similarly handicapped Brit that whilst the vast mound of coinage held by said Brit may weigh the proverbial ton, it is still only worth about 15p, with the bill coming to more like £15. Once again the friendly neighbourhood translator comes in handy. One other point to look out for whilst shopping is the 'foreign box' syndrome. If you see a crowd congregating around the TVs in the electrical department, look out for the shoppers who pass without a glance due to total lack of comprehension as to what is going on; these will probably be Brits. Beyond the shops the next port of call is the beach. Here various signs will point the Spotter to which of the many bodies covered in sun tan oil are Brits. First of all look for checkered shorts and baggy shirts; a sure sign. Bonus points are scored for knotted handkerchiefs. Other indicators are rolled up trouser legs and bags or boxes of 'just in case' items ranging from insect repellent, through sun tan lotion, to plastic macs. On this latter point, i.e. the plastic mac, the beach has a similar 'enjoy to the death' compulsion as the summer clothes syndrome mentioned previously. Should a light shower begin, score points for Brits huddled on the beach in plastic macs and paddling in the sea with raised umbrellas. Well, that's just about covered all the main spotting characteristics of the Brit abroad, with one exception. Score double bonus points for spotting a Brit standing over the prostrate body of a foreigner in deep shock. This will be a rare occurrence of where the Brit has spoken the relevant language, handled the currency as his own, and expressed an interest in a local radio play heard the night before! Until then....happy holidays!