Dear Senator John Kerry

Dear Senator John Kerry

From what we see of the press here in Britain it looks like you have a jolly good chance of ousting President Bush. So a number of the chaps got together at the Club today and came up with a few pointers that we thought you might find useful over the coming months.

First of all we are a little concerned that you might be just a little too clean living. We have noticed that a proclivity for admiring a well turned ankle is an essential attribute for a successful US President. You might also want to set up an arrangement with a local 24 hour dry cleaning company, ideally one that specialises in those hard to remove stains.

Next, we did not see any major oil or energy interests listed in your resumé. This could become a problem if you need to benefit a special interest group or campaign contributor once you reach the White House. Similarly, you will not be able to curtail or rescind any pollution control or automotive efficiency bills without an energy connection. If the link to such an interest group could form part of your administration - the Vice President would be perfect - so much the better.

Math is something else you will need to work on as it will form the basis of much of your budgeting activity. Differential calculus is particularly useful because, for example, it will allow you to explain why a program voted in at $400 billion is subsequently found to cost $560 billion one week later. There is nothing like quoting the odd delta-x and delta-y to help you wriggle out of the occasional tight corner to avoid charges of blatant deception.

We would also counsel you to check with your father Richard to see if he has any unfinished business with some foreign country that you could invade on his behalf. As he flew DC-3 aircraft during World War II it is quite possible that he will be able to name somewhere in Europe that refused him landing rights. Failing that a bar or club in the Middle East that short changed him during one of his furloughs would be an acceptable alternative.

You should also consider forming strategic relationships with English speaking countries abroad, and when we say abroad we mean west of Los Angeles and east of Boston. Britain as usual would be an excellent first choice because we not only speak the requisite language but also understand your American dialect from years of watching MASH and Roseanne. We also have an extremely compliant political structure with every Prime Minister since Churchill willing and able to roll over to have his or her tummy tickled by Washington.

Finally, and following on the subject of British politicians, we would recommend that you consider incorporating the best character traits of our three major party leaders into your own persona to complement your cheery wave and winning smile (tip, if you need more dental work you can have it done free of charge by our British National Health Service). The British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has a certain boyish charm that we think he leased from Hugh Grant, which is invaluable for press conferences or photo opportunities. Michael Howard, the leader of the Conservative opposition, has a useful mature look - grey hair and wrinkles - which provides a certain gravitas, but bear in mind that you will need to add your own portion of credibility. In the middle we have Charles Kennedy, the leader of the Liberal Democrats, who does not have any policies to speak of but does have a wonderful pointy finger that he uses for all major speeches and interviews.

In summary Senator Kerry, if you follow our advice then we are sure that you will be elected into the White House on the back of a landslide majority. If, however, you ignore it and remain a straight up-and-down, forthright honest individual then we are afraid that you may be discarded in favour of the present incumbent who already has most of the necessary qualities.

Yours truly.

The Chaps.
London, England



	From what we see of the press here in Britain it looks like you have a jolly good chance of ousting President Bush. So a number of the chaps got together at the Club today and came up with a few pointers that we thought you might find useful over the coming months. First of all we are a little concerned that you might be just a little too clean living. We have noticed that a proclivity for admiring a well turned ankle is an essential attribute for a successful US President. You might also want to set up an arrangement with a local 24 hour dry cleaning company, ideally one that specialises in those hard to remove stains. Next, we did not see any major oil or energy interests listed in your resumé. This could become a problem if you need to benefit a special interest group or campaign contributor once you reach the White House. Similarly, you will not be able to curtail or rescind any pollution control or automotive efficiency bills without an energy connection. If the link to such an interest group could form part of your administration - the Vice President would be perfect - so much the better. Math is something else you will need to work on as it will form the basis of much of your budgeting activity. Differential calculus is particularly useful because, for example, it will allow you to explain why a program voted in at $400 billion is subsequently found to cost $560 billion one week later. There is nothing like quoting the odd delta-x and delta-y to help you wriggle out of the occasional tight corner to avoid charges of blatant deception. We would also counsel you to check with your father Richard to see if he has any unfinished business with some foreign country that you could invade on his behalf. As he flew DC-3 aircraft during World War II it is quite possible that he will be able to name somewhere in Europe that refused him landing rights. Failing that a bar or club in the Middle East that short changed him during one of his furloughs would be an acceptable alternative. You should also consider forming strategic relationships with English speaking countries abroad, and when we say abroad we mean west of Los Angeles and east of Boston. Britain as usual would be an excellent first choice because we not only speak the requisite language but also understand your American dialect from years of watching MASH and Roseanne. We also have an extremely compliant political structure with every Prime Minister since Churchill willing and able to roll over to have his or her tummy tickled by Washington. Finally, and following on the subject of British politicians, we would recommend that you consider incorporating the best character traits of our three major party leaders into your own persona to complement your cheery wave and winning smile (tip, if you need more dental work you can have it done free of charge by our British National Health Service). The British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has a certain boyish charm that we think he leased from Hugh Grant, which is invaluable for press conferences or photo opportunities. Michael Howard, the leader of the Conservative opposition, has a useful mature look - grey hair and wrinkles - which provides a certain gravitas, but bear in mind that you will need to add your own portion of credibility. In the middle we have Charles Kennedy, the leader of the Liberal Democrats, who does not have any policies to speak of but does have a wonderful pointy finger that he uses for all major speeches and interviews. In summary Senator Kerry, if you follow our advice then we are sure that you will be elected into the White House on the back of a landslide majority. If, however, you ignore it and remain a straight up-and-down, forthright honest individual then we are afraid that you may be discarded in favour of the present incumbent who already has most of the necessary qualities. Yours truly. The Chaps. London, England