Join The Club

Join The Club

It's very difficult to know which Club to join, they all claim that they are the only true Club and the only one to ensure that you will get to the bliss or punishment that you so richly deserve. Mind, you'll not get there if you're not one of them because only true Club members get to the right place; all the others fall by the wayside. But which Club to join, that's the problem, and I've been looking a long time so you can imagine how many times I've asked myself that question.

You see, all I have ever wanted is a Club that values all of its members and all of its non-members. A Club where you don't have to give up something, or have bits chopped off, or learn a foreign language, or grow hair or beards into funny shapes, or sit all day in uncomfortable positions humming strange words to yourself. It would be so nice if I could just join a Club that would hold the great Club President as the focus, teach all the lessons that the President had to teach, and not dismiss other Clubs as so much rubbish. I want to be able to speak to the President directly if I need to, either alone or at one of our committee meetings, but definitely not via a bunch of intermediaries. Those simple wishes immediately removes a very large chunk of Club-land for me because there is a very large chain of Clubs that insists on talking through its Vice-President or Secretary. To me that chain of command introduces a totally unnecessary complication because I know perfectly well that the President can hear me and has more than enough, in fact infinite time to listen to me.

I gather those Clubs decided on the indirect approach because about two thousand years ago someone went around teaching good things and ended up with an awful lot of followers. Then he went too far and was executed by some members of the existing, well established Club that he was snitching members from. It was mutual really, he didn't like their rules and they didn't like his, but there were more of their Club Members than his so they won. Well after the execution he is rumoured to have beaten even the great universal rule and come to life again (some people will do anything not to miss a meeting). But not just content with keeping his impeccable attendance record, his Club members said he then moved away to join the President's Council itself as Vice-President, no elections just a single vote and off he went. A prima facie case of oligarchy in the extreme, but somehow I cannot see that the President of the ultimate Club and Council would indulge in such obvious favouritism even towards members of his family. So, not a Club for me....next one please.

I was astonished to hear that there is an offshoot, some say the original branch of this Club which also gets the Vice-President's mother involved in the recruitment campaign and assigns her the role of Club Secretary. Members of that particular Club are stuck with two layers before they get to talk to the President, and not even a hint as to which one to choose and when. But supposing your message is really important. Will the Secretary garble the message and get the Vice-President to sort something out completely at variance with what you want? What happens if the sign-off authority is beyond the Vice-President's remit and the President has to get involved? Can you imagine? A simple request for a quick miracle could turn into five loaves, two hundred fish fingers, and a one way trip to the Isle of Dogs. That's even assuming the message gets all the way back down the chain to you again. Very confusing and not for me I'm afraid. So where to next?

Well there are other Clubs who have rules about self enlightenment, and not really getting to talk to the Club President or anyone else on the Council. It seems they go for meetings, get togethers, singing, dancing, humming a lot, and sitting in strange positions. That kind of activity is fine for a bit of relaxation but where's the meat? Surely it must get boring not really having any kind of Council meetings that you can join in with, or even being sure that there is a Council who is making decisions or helping you with your membership queries? But to be fair there are a lot of Clubs like this, and it suits an awful lot of people around the world. Somehow they get by without a committee, a ruling Council, a Secretary (thank goodness), and even a President. Life is just one big round of Club meetings, getting together, passing resolutions, and humming votes to each other. I haven't quite worked out how the AGM is held or even how the rules are governed other than via some of the senior members who pass on the rules of the extremely senior member who died hundreds of years ago. No, I think if I wanted to sit around and contemplate my navel, or stare at some big statue of a past Club member, then I think I would buy a poster of the Starship Enterprise to look at, much more fun.

While I was checking through the yellow pages one day I came across one of the single President Clubs, no Vice-Presidents and Secretaries, just one man in charge and a direct line for anything I needed help or advice on. They all seemed really switched on in that Club, even had a kind of uniform, a little round cap that you pop on the back of your head. Being available in all kinds of colours and sizes I figured it would go with both my man about town image and my cover those eyes beach wear. But would you know it there are two big draw backs (ouch I wish I hadn't said that), one of them entailing learning a foreign language consisting of a bunch of squiggles read backwards . And secondly...no I can't say it... sorry ...suffice to say it's not a drawback afterwards if you see what I mean. Also they make all their members give up eating various kinds of foods, and if you fancy a late night on Fridays forget it. There are other problems too, caused by the Club being so introspective and isolated. If you are not a member of their group you are out of it, separate, one of them, a stranger even to our all seeing President. For some reason they also feel they were chosen especially by the Club President and that all other Clubs are secondary to that Club, or even deemed to be no Club at all regardless of how well those other Clubs are run. Problem is that this view seems to generate a big dislike of this Club by the other Clubs, and I think I can see why because it hacked me off a bit as well, even though one of my grandfathers belonged to that Club when he was alive. So no choice for me but to move on to the next notice board.

Now I have a strange sense of humour I know, but this next Club tickled me because it hates the Club I've just mentioned. What's so funny about that you might say. Well even though this Club hates the other Club, this Club was actually started by one of the members of the previous Club who was trying to update the rules. Problem was that the members of the Council of the previous Club did not like their rules being changed, so this renegade member was forced to start up a new Club with similar rules and it became very successful. He also wrote another big book of rules which he claimed came directly from the President, and wouldn't you know it, this book of rules is also in a strange squiggly language. Not surprisingly the basic rules are the same as the Club this chap came from, i.e. single President, don't eat this and don't touch that, and to add to your problems you have to talk to the President five times a day. This last point I found particularly bothersome because some of those talk sessions would have to be early morning, and I'm no good to anybody before 10:00am, let alone the Club President! They also share the same demand that you have to belong to their Club if you want the President to care about you, and if you don't belong to their Club then you are not worth tuppence to anyone. Luckily their book of rules has been translated into English so I had a read to check what I had heard, and it was all true. Now any Club that proclaims itself the only one, writes off all other Clubs, and makes it laudable to resign from the world entirely in the cause of the Club is not any Club I could belong to. Strangely enough it has become a very popular Club with a very large membership, and the people who belong to it are very proud of their Club, fiercely proud in fact. But not for me I'm afraid...next!

I once spoke to somebody who belonged to a Club that had rules which fitted me perfectly, all the same ideas, all the key tenets I would look for in a Club, and very few restrictions on its members other than to be good Club members and respect the President. No Vice-Presidents, no Club Secretaries, no claiming to have a book of rules written by the President himself, just a good solid set of rules for being a decent person. There were a few other bits which would deprive me of some items of food and drink, but no big deal, I could handle that. They also didn't want their members to write off other Clubs because this Club allowed for the view that there is more than one path to the top of the mountain. I must admit that it was a Club which normally only had members from another country, but that didn't bother me, I'm international. So great said I, what's the name of your Club? When can I join? Blow, I knew it was too good to be true, because at that point I found out that I would have to give up trips to the barber from day one. Can you imagine what my wife would say if I started going around wearing a hair net, or how my boss would view me visiting customers wearing a big wrap around hat to hold my curls in place? Isn't there any way round this? I asked, Any possibility that I could stay my usual smooth, perfectly groomed immaculate self? No chance, said my companion, it's the curly locks or nothing. Hmmm....

Well, there are a few other Clubs, all variations on the previous themes, all with strange quirks which just don't do it for me. They all have don't do this or don't touch that, this Club is so perfect and that Club is so bad, chop off this or add on that. The annoying thing is that none of them can present a simple set of rules allowing membership on a be a good Club member basis. So here I am, desperate to join a Club and nowhere to go. But wait a minute, thought I one day, why do I need to join a Club that doesn't suit me? Why not get a Club together myself and base it on a set of rules that I find personally acceptable? So I set about formulating a set of rules and at the same time checking around to see if there were existing rules I could base my rules on. No sense reinventing wheels if wheels of about the right size and shape were already there. Not that I wanted to copy some one else's rules, that wouldn't be right, I just wanted to try and utilise the best of what was already out there. Well, life moves in mysterious ways, and one day I was reading up on the history of the chap I spoke of in the first Club I talked about. You know, the one that caused all that trouble and got executed for his pains? Well, it seems that he wasn't executed, it was all a big cover-up, and what really happened was that his friends spirited him off to recover after the supposed execution. It also transpired that he was originally a member of the second Club and wanted to bring in non-members without them having to lop bits off or give up too much in the way of the good things of life. He didn't want anyone to grow bits long, or write off other Clubs, or talk to the President at silly times of the day or night, or in fact do anything other than have a deep respect for the President and the rest of humanity. The problem was that the Club he started got changed because some people heard that he died and came back to life again but didn't get the bit in the middle about how his friends fixed him up so that he didn't really die. Now this got the story totally muddled which meant that his original ideal was clouded and eventually completely lost. But his story was a good one, it covered all the right ground, it didn't impose strange limits on people, and it respected other Clubs kind of (that's the bit I'd tighten up on). So there you have it, my ideal Club, and the one I've just created, or re-created if you allow for the original version which got lost. But of course a Club with only one member is a lonely Club, and that's no good to anyone, no fun at all.

So what to do? Well as you are already reading this, and haven't given up on me so far, maybe I could persuade you to join. Tell you what, I'll lay out the basic rules and then you see what you think of them. First the Club hierarchy will be the President of course, a Council of senior members (being the founder I claim one of these slots) and esteemed members. We won't go in for Vice-Presidents, Secretaries etc., and the Council will be the bare minimum required to run the Club. Talking to the President will be as required by each member, but ideally at least once a day and Club members will be encouraged to get together as they wish, albeit a full Club meeting will be held at least once a week. Club members will be encouraged to bring along guests, and those guests can become members if they like what they see, but there's nothing which says those guests can't just visit from time to time if they want to. In my book, or Club if you prefer, it's better to have visitors who can tell others about your Club than it is to insist on having members or nothing, that attitude just ends up giving the impression that your Club is snooty and unapproachable. The main requirements for the members will be to follow some very old rules which are only ten in number but they cover all the basic needs for good living. I will also absolutely insist that none of our members consider members of other Clubs as anything other than good people who just happen to follow a different set of rules. I won't be asking anybody to lop things off or upset their wives/bosses by adding things on, and I won't be insisting that Club members wear uniform that sets them apart from others. That sort of thing just creates trouble and divisions which don't need to be there. Giving up various items of food and drink is also not in my agenda, but sobriety and a sensible diet will be strongly recommended.

So there you have it, my Club. A Club for people who want to enjoy being members of a Club with sound basic values, no complications, no funnies, and a set of rules which still allows for enjoying the life that the President gave us to start with by creating the universe we live in. Sound like an attractive proposition? If yes, just come along to my next Club meeting and if you like what you see I'll sign you up. If not, well please do tell your friends about us anyway in case they'd like to visit some time.

Until then, thanks for listening, and may your President go with you.



	It's very difficult to know which Club to join, they all claim that they are the only true Club and the only one to ensure that you will get to the bliss or punishment that you so richly deserve. Mind, you'll not get there if you're not one of them because only true Club members get to the right place; all the others fall by the wayside. But which Club to join, that's the problem, and I've been looking a long time so you can imagine how many times I've asked myself that question. You see, all I have ever wanted is a Club that values all of its members and all of its non-members. A Club where you don't have to give up something, or have bits chopped off, or learn a foreign language, or grow hair or beards into funny shapes, or sit all day in uncomfortable positions humming strange words to yourself. It would be so nice if I could just join a Club that would hold the great Club President as the focus, teach all the lessons that the President had to teach, and not dismiss other Clubs as so much rubbish. I want to be able to speak to the President directly if I need to, either alone or at one of our committee meetings, but definitely not via a bunch of intermediaries. Those simple wishes immediately removes a very large chunk of Club-land for me because there is a very large chain of Clubs that insists on talking through its Vice-President or Secretary. To me that chain of command introduces a totally unnecessary complication because I know perfectly well that the President can hear me and has more than enough, in fact infinite time to listen to me. I gather those Clubs decided on the indirect approach because about two thousand years ago someone went around teaching good things and ended up with an awful lot of followers. Then he went too far and was executed by some members of the existing, well established Club that he was snitching members from. It was mutual really, he didn't like their rules and they didn't like his, but there were more of their Club Members than his so they won. Well after the execution he is rumoured to have beaten even the great universal rule and come to life again (some people will do anything not to miss a meeting). But not just content with keeping his impeccable attendance record, his Club members said he then moved away to join the President's Council itself as Vice-President, no elections just a single vote and off he went. A prima facie case of oligarchy in the extreme, but somehow I cannot see that the President of the ultimate Club and Council would indulge in such obvious favouritism even towards members of his family. So, not a Club for me....next one please. I was astonished to hear that there is an offshoot, some say the original branch of this Club which also gets the Vice-President's mother involved in the recruitment campaign and assigns her the role of Club Secretary. Members of that particular Club are stuck with two layers before they get to talk to the President, and not even a hint as to which one to choose and when. But supposing your message is really important. Will the Secretary garble the message and get the Vice-President to sort something out completely at variance with what you want? What happens if the sign-off authority is beyond the Vice-President's remit and the President has to get involved? Can you imagine? A simple request for a quick miracle could turn into five loaves, two hundred fish fingers, and a one way trip to the Isle of Dogs. That's even assuming the message gets all the way back down the chain to you again. Very confusing and not for me I'm afraid. So where to next? Well there are other Clubs who have rules about self enlightenment, and not really getting to talk to the Club President or anyone else on the Council. It seems they go for meetings, get togethers, singing, dancing, humming a lot, and sitting in strange positions. That kind of activity is fine for a bit of relaxation but where's the meat? Surely it must get boring not really having any kind of Council meetings that you can join in with, or even being sure that there is a Council who is making decisions or helping you with your membership queries? But to be fair there are a lot of Clubs like this, and it suits an awful lot of people around the world. Somehow they get by without a committee, a ruling Council, a Secretary (thank goodness), and even a President. Life is just one big round of Club meetings, getting together, passing resolutions, and humming votes to each other. I haven't quite worked out how the AGM is held or even how the rules are governed other than via some of the senior members who pass on the rules of the extremely senior member who died hundreds of years ago. No, I think if I wanted to sit around and contemplate my navel, or stare at some big statue of a past Club member, then I think I would buy a poster of the Starship Enterprise to look at, much more fun. While I was checking through the yellow pages one day I came across one of the single President Clubs, no Vice-Presidents and Secretaries, just one man in charge and a direct line for anything I needed help or advice on. They all seemed really switched on in that Club, even had a kind of uniform, a little round cap that you pop on the back of your head. Being available in all kinds of colours and sizes I figured it would go with both my man about town image and my cover those eyes beach wear. But would you know it there are two big draw backs (ouch I wish I hadn't said that), one of them entailing learning a foreign language consisting of a bunch of squiggles read backwards . And secondly...no I can't say it... sorry ...suffice to say it's not a drawback afterwards if you see what I mean. Also they make all their members give up eating various kinds of foods, and if you fancy a late night on Fridays forget it. There are other problems too, caused by the Club being so introspective and isolated. If you are not a member of their group you are out of it, separate, one of them, a stranger even to our all seeing President. For some reason they also feel they were chosen especially by the Club President and that all other Clubs are secondary to that Club, or even deemed to be no Club at all regardless of how well those other Clubs are run. Problem is that this view seems to generate a big dislike of this Club by the other Clubs, and I think I can see why because it hacked me off a bit as well, even though one of my grandfathers belonged to that Club when he was alive. So no choice for me but to move on to the next notice board. Now I have a strange sense of humour I know, but this next Club tickled me because it hates the Club I've just mentioned. What's so funny about that you might say. Well even though this Club hates the other Club, this Club was actually started by one of the members of the previous Club who was trying to update the rules. Problem was that the members of the Council of the previous Club did not like their rules being changed, so this renegade member was forced to start up a new Club with similar rules and it became very successful. He also wrote another big book of rules which he claimed came directly from the President, and wouldn't you know it, this book of rules is also in a strange squiggly language. Not surprisingly the basic rules are the same as the Club this chap came from, i.e. single President, don't eat this and don't touch that, and to add to your problems you have to talk to the President five times a day. This last point I found particularly bothersome because some of those talk sessions would have to be early morning, and I'm no good to anybody before 10:00am, let alone the Club President! They also share the same demand that you have to belong to their Club if you want the President to care about you, and if you don't belong to their Club then you are not worth tuppence to anyone. Luckily their book of rules has been translated into English so I had a read to check what I had heard, and it was all true. Now any Club that proclaims itself the only one, writes off all other Clubs, and makes it laudable to resign from the world entirely in the cause of the Club is not any Club I could belong to. Strangely enough it has become a very popular Club with a very large membership, and the people who belong to it are very proud of their Club, fiercely proud in fact. But not for me I'm afraid...next! I once spoke to somebody who belonged to a Club that had rules which fitted me perfectly, all the same ideas, all the key tenets I would look for in a Club, and very few restrictions on its members other than to be good Club members and respect the President. No Vice-Presidents, no Club Secretaries, no claiming to have a book of rules written by the President himself, just a good solid set of rules for being a decent person. There were a few other bits which would deprive me of some items of food and drink, but no big deal, I could handle that. They also didn't want their members to write off other Clubs because this Club allowed for the view that there is more than one path to the top of the mountain. I must admit that it was a Club which normally only had members from another country, but that didn't bother me, I'm international. So great said I, what's the name of your Club? When can I join? Blow, I knew it was too good to be true, because at that point I found out that I would have to give up trips to the barber from day one. Can you imagine what my wife would say if I started going around wearing a hair net, or how my boss would view me visiting customers wearing a big wrap around hat to hold my curls in place? Isn't there any way round this? I asked, Any possibility that I could stay my usual smooth, perfectly groomed immaculate self? No chance, said my companion, it's the curly locks or nothing. Hmmm.... Well, there are a few other Clubs, all variations on the previous themes, all with strange quirks which just don't do it for me. They all have don't do this or don't touch that, this Club is so perfect and that Club is so bad, chop off this or add on that. The annoying thing is that none of them can present a simple set of rules allowing membership on a be a good Club member basis. So here I am, desperate to join a Club and nowhere to go. But wait a minute, thought I one day, why do I need to join a Club that doesn't suit me? Why not get a Club together myself and base it on a set of rules that I find personally acceptable? So I set about formulating a set of rules and at the same time checking around to see if there were existing rules I could base my rules on. No sense reinventing wheels if wheels of about the right size and shape were already there. Not that I wanted to copy some one else's rules, that wouldn't be right, I just wanted to try and utilise the best of what was already out there. Well, life moves in mysterious ways, and one day I was reading up on the history of the chap I spoke of in the first Club I talked about. You know, the one that caused all that trouble and got executed for his pains? Well, it seems that he wasn't executed, it was all a big cover-up, and what really happened was that his friends spirited him off to recover after the supposed execution. It also transpired that he was originally a member of the second Club and wanted to bring in non-members without them having to lop bits off or give up too much in the way of the good things of life. He didn't want anyone to grow bits long, or write off other Clubs, or talk to the President at silly times of the day or night, or in fact do anything other than have a deep respect for the President and the rest of humanity. The problem was that the Club he started got changed because some people heard that he died and came back to life again but didn't get the bit in the middle about how his friends fixed him up so that he didn't really die. Now this got the story totally muddled which meant that his original ideal was clouded and eventually completely lost. But his story was a good one, it covered all the right ground, it didn't impose strange limits on people, and it respected other Clubs kind of (that's the bit I'd tighten up on). So there you have it, my ideal Club, and the one I've just created, or re-created if you allow for the original version which got lost. But of course a Club with only one member is a lonely Club, and that's no good to anyone, no fun at all. So what to do? Well as you are already reading this, and haven't given up on me so far, maybe I could persuade you to join. Tell you what, I'll lay out the basic rules and then you see what you think of them. First the Club hierarchy will be the President of course, a Council of senior members (being the founder I claim one of these slots) and esteemed members. We won't go in for Vice-Presidents, Secretaries etc., and the Council will be the bare minimum required to run the Club. Talking to the President will be as required by each member, but ideally at least once a day and Club members will be encouraged to get together as they wish, albeit a full Club meeting will be held at least once a week. Club members will be encouraged to bring along guests, and those guests can become members if they like what they see, but there's nothing which says those guests can't just visit from time to time if they want to. In my book, or Club if you prefer, it's better to have visitors who can tell others about your Club than it is to insist on having members or nothing, that attitude just ends up giving the impression that your Club is snooty and unapproachable. The main requirements for the members will be to follow some very old rules which are only ten in number but they cover all the basic needs for good living. I will also absolutely insist that none of our members consider members of other Clubs as anything other than good people who just happen to follow a different set of rules. I won't be asking anybody to lop things off or upset their wives/bosses by adding things on, and I won't be insisting that Club members wear uniform that sets them apart from others. That sort of thing just creates trouble and divisions which don't need to be there. Giving up various items of food and drink is also not in my agenda, but sobriety and a sensible diet will be strongly recommended. So there you have it, my Club. A Club for people who want to enjoy being members of a Club with sound basic values, no complications, no funnies, and a set of rules which still allows for enjoying the life that the President gave us to start with by creating the universe we live in. Sound like an attractive proposition? If yes, just come along to my next Club meeting and if you like what you see I'll sign you up. If not, well please do tell your friends about us anyway in case they'd like to visit some time. Until then, thanks for listening, and may your President go with you.